“Mom,”I said in the morning. “When are we going, when are we going?”
“Soon sweetie,” said my mom in the morning.
I was playing on my ipad when suddenly my mom said, “Breakfast is ready!”
I raced myself downstairs and I looked at my plate.
I gasped, “It’s RICE KRISPIES!” my favorite cereal.We all brought our bags down and got in the car. I made a huge yawn.I was really excited.
Boy,I really needed food. Finally we got there.We waited till our friends got there and the fun has begun! I got on Coyote Canyon. I was really nervous.I got on the tube then it started to get super fast then it shot down like a bullet and I really screamed.
“AHHHHHHHH!” and then it went round and round I tasted salty water in my mouth.
Then it slowed down.I saw so much beautiful colors like blue and yellow stripes.Then I started splashing.While it was spinning I was thinking about what I would tell my mom after the ride.Then I shot down the hole.I was so happy that I was of the scary ride.
I liked your action like raced and I also liked your details like stripped I also felted like I was in your story because of all those great words.
I also liked your dialog like when you were asking your mom “when you would leave? And she said soon back.”
I liked how you described in the car of how you feel for example you said you were tired and you made a big yaun.
I also like how else you described yourself in the car for example you said you were very exided to go to the great wolf lodge, awesome story.
I like your action words like spin. I felt like I was right next to you.I had a mental movie in my head.You put in lots of dialogue . You really made me want to go to Great Wolf lodge.